disappointment

Sometimes life’s just disappointing. It’s just the way of life. Ups and downs. No surprises there. No profound insights.

I’ll tell you something, put something out there into the vast electronic ether. I’m disappointed with myself. There are things about myself, my personality, I just don’t like. Is that just me? Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I mean, I do like that I’m sort of reflective, artistic (if a frustrated would-be artist for the past while), even a bit quieter and not so boisterous as some people I know. But there’s a big price. Introversion isn’t bad but it’s painful when you really love people but can’t seem to relate to them well. When you want to be strong for people but find timidity instead. When you’re trying to trust in God but see yourself groaning for the approval of others. When you think you’re beginning to live more confidently and you meet someone and you clam up again…

I dunno. None of this is earth shattering stuff. I know a lot of people are dealing with a lot greater grief than this. I guess it’s just
5.30 am, I haven’t slept, I felt a bit disappointed last night. I guess it put a finger in a deeper wound I’m still healing from.

When you turn your thoughts to God, what then? Anger, disappointment with him? God rarely, if ever, does things according to my plans. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s never done anything according to my plans. And that’s good. Because he’s God, he’s good, and he knows best. And I’m not and I don’t. I can’t get angry or disappointed with him. I need to believe in him, in his goodness and the goodness of his plan for my life. Jesus died for me, and now because of that all my garbage is forgiven, I know God and his love is over my life, my eternity is secure. He is good. He knows what’s best for me. I don’t particularly feel it all the time, including right now, but I know it. And that’s good. That can’t be taken from me.

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